Jokes to cheer u up

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

"What the hell?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
 
A Pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told
that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one
and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going
price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey
instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and
enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS
SHOWS.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in
the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT .




The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The
next day, the local paper read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS .




This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to
get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.



This was to much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy
back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND
FREE.



The bishop was buried the next day.
 
It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat.



The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of jerks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate that.



The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.



ZERO GRAVITY

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again-enjoy paying them



COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.



"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and Hell, we're not using it anymore
 
A Wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes. But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a
fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough
to hear the poodle says..................... "Where's that dang monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

AND THE MORAL TO THE STORY IS.....

Sometimes BS and brilliance are one and the same.......
 
This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

“Hey, what's that?”

“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?” :hah
 
At the Lab

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
 
Meat balls

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.

The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.
 
Age Cruise

A man and his wife, now in their 60`s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! :hah
 
Ugly People

This one is a bit tasteless,



A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
 
The top 40 things you would NEVER, EVER hear a Redneck say, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...


40. Oh I just couldn't, I mean, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a rip who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
 
A bear walks into a pub in a small town in Alaska. The bear steps
up to the bar and asks the batender for a beer. the bartender said"no we do not serve beer to bears."
the bear said" do you see that women at the end of the bar?'
the bartender said, "yes i see her."
"well", the bear said, "if you do not serve me a beer i will go down to the end of the bar and eat that woman completely up."
the bartender looked at the bear and said, "we do not serve beer to bears."

the bear waited for a few seconds and went to the end of the bar and grabbed the woman and ate her completely up. leaving nary a shoe. he then walked to the bartendr and said, "i would like to order a beer."

the bartender, without a second thought said, "we do not serve beer to drug addicts."

Dumbfounded the bear looked around and with almost total amazement said,
"i am not a drug addict!!!"

the bartender looking unperplexed said, "Sure you are.
That was the BARBITCHUATE.
 
Coping With Job Stress

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an
expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for
job stress which I would like to share with you.

When you have had one of those 'Take This Job And Shove It'
days, try this:

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase
a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this
brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and
disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your
therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie
down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer,
remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside
table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as
you read it you will notice in small print the statement that
says "every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY
tested.

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad
that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company."
 
The local blowhard is postulating to everyone about how everything is handed to everybody nowadays.

"Why, when I was a kid, nobody brought me to swimming lessons! My Dad just threw me off the dock at the lake, and I learned how to swim right there."

"Did you ever stop to think maybe he wasn't trying to teach you to swim?" asked a listener.
 
Fresh out of University, a young man went to an interview for a good paying job. The human resources director asked him various questions about why he wanted to work there, what he took in school, etc., but then asked him what 7 times 3 was.
Surprised, and nervous, the man answers "22."
After the interview, the man pulls out a calculator and checks it.
"Rats." he says.
Not expecting to get the job, he goes home.
The next day he gets a call from the HR director telling him he got the job.
Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, but still curious, he asks why he got the job, even though his answer was wrong.
"You were the closest."
 
Some millitary humor (LONG)

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operation (AO):

Paratrooper: Jumps out of plane, sights snake, steers chute to avoid
snake, releases chute approx. 5' above ground, then lands on snake
killing it anyway.

Armor: Runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.

Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base
for crew rest, night-clubbing, and some sort of drink called "The sidewinder"

Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.

Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.

SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire
in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then
retreats to safety.

Corps Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process inflicts severe collateral
damage to an area 5 miles in radius. Mission is considered a success and
all participants are awarded Silver Stars. (Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks etc.)

Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.

Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.

Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, pops smoke,
airlifts snake, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.

Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its
heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.

Infantry: pointman sights snake. Pointman hand-signals to squad leader of
contact with snake. Squad leader hand-signals to pointman and squad
to fall back. Squad leader calls platoon sgt for recommendations. Platoon
sgt recommends engaging snake, but is counter-manded by platoon
leader. Platoon leader calls company commander, who then calls batallion
co, who then contacts division commander, who now must wrestle
with ramifications of snake encounter. Division co refers this monumental
task to his second in command (executive officer). Division XO calls down
to batallion to get size, strength, and intentions of snake. Batallion attempts
to contact company to get information, but looses report when
communications satellite required for transmission is retasked. Company
CO radios communications center requesting re-retask of satelite.
Communications center tells Company CO that authorization of retask
can only come from Division CO. Company CO in frustration leapforgs
over both Batallion CO and Division XO, attempting to contact Divsion
CO directly. The Division CO's secretary informs Company CO that the
Division CO is out of the office, and recommends leaving a message.
Snake gets bored, and slithers away. Several years later, 60 Minutes
does an expose on what will eventually be known as, "The Snake Incident",
in which all involved will deny any knowledge of the event ever
happenning...all except for the snake and the retired platoon
sgt, who collectively write a bestselling book about the debacle.
 
You'd think flying around the world every year as Santa does would be very expensive, yet he does it every year with less than 10 bucks!
 
Job Interview

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already poop in my pants.

HE GOT THE JOB
 
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