important bulletin from the UK

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charliecroker

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"Brits Revoke U.S. Independence"



(Message from John Cleese)



To the citizens of the United States of America:



In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and

thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of

your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen



Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,

commonwealths and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not

fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for

America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate

will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to

determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

rules are introduced with immediate effect:



You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.



Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter'U'

will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'



Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the

letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

levels (look up "vocabulary").



Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such

as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication.



There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."



You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.



July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be

a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be

called "Comeuppance Day."



You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows

that you're not adult enough to be independent. Only adults should

handle guns. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing

someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to

handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry

anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be

required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.



All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your

own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you

understand the British sense of humour. The Former USA will adopt UK

prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US

gallon. Get used to it.



You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips

are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal

fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless

stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.



Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer,"

and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to

as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's

Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.



Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good

guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play

English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in

Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears

removed with a cheese grater.



You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of

proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will,

in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to

American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every

twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of

nancies).



Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an

event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside

of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world

beyond your borders, your error is understandable.



You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.



An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

monies due (backdated to 1776).



Thank you for your co-operation.





John Cleese
 
Eh... kinda funny. But given the nitwits we elect into office I can see why the rest of the world would have this view about us as a nation.
 
Well if you Brits would like to try and take us by force... by all means come on over. :D



Remember there are six guns for each person in this country.
 
Johnnyopolis said:
Why do you need that many when you only have 2 hands?
Click to expand...



Wow you brits are naiive.... you're forgetting that we teach our pets to shoot!



1728508_200X150.jpg
 
roadwarriorUK said:
Why???



Is humour not allowed in the land of "free speech"
Click to expand...
Yes, it certainly is (at least if you leave out the extraneous "u" :D).



However, Autopia does have a policy limiting political discussions and inflammatory posts simply to prevent the inevitable flame wars that tend to result. People start taking pot-shots at one another, and the next thing you know, it looks like Usenet instead of a detailing forum.



So, have a laugh; feel free. But if this thread starts to deteriorate (personal attacks, etc.) . . . :lock:



Thanks,

Tort

(moderator)
 
Mr. Glass said:
Well if you Brits would like to try and take us by force... by all means come on over. :D



Remember there are six guns for each person in this country.
Click to expand...



shoot first ask questions later :nomore:
 
My friendly rebuttal to our dime store British elite friends accross the pond!



In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and

thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of

your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen



When Europe whines about the leaders we elect, I know we're doing someting right. Yes, Britain, you're European except the section whose a$$ we saved rather than the section whose a$$ we kicked in WW2. Go revoke some other's country's independence that you once colonized, pillaged and then lost.



Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,

commonwealths and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not

fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for

America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate

will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to

determine whether any of you noticed.



The state of your so called royal monarchy makes the Clinton Lewinsky affair look like pre-school crush. We fought a revolution to shed ourselves of such a medeival institution.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

rules are introduced with immediate effect:



You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.



Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter'U'

will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'



Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the

letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

levels (look up "vocabulary").



You'll first need to learn how to say "vitamin" and "tomato" like a normal human being. Then you'll have to shed that pansy accent that makes you sound as manly as Camilla Parker Bowles



Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such

as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication.



There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."



There certainly is such ting as US English; and we have million of people dying to come here illegally and legally every year to learn it and live it. Isn't Microsft an AMERICAN corporation whose anual revenues dwarf 3/4 of the world's nations net worth!



You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.



July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be

a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be

called "Comeuppance Day."



Ha ha! Good one! Yeah right.



You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows

that you're not adult enough to be independent. Only adults should

handle guns. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing

someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to

handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry

anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be

required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.



You claim Bush is incompetent, yet his desire to issue some measure of tort reform is met with defiance by his opposition. We'll stop seing therapists when Brits go to the dentist and deal with those god awful teeth. Don't ban guns, get them out of the hands of the criminals who buy them illegally.



All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your

own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you

understand the British sense of humour. The Former USA will adopt UK

prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US

gallon. Get used to it.



Metric my a$$! Go drive your pathetic 19hp econo box Le Cars and we'll stick with our Corvettes, Mustangs, Trans Ams, Cadillacs, trucks and SUV's. Wait! Doesn't Ford own Jaguar, Aston Martin AND Land Rover??!! Not to mention Mazda and Volvo! Yeah $6 a GALLON gas?? You don't need to be an economist to know what that would mean.



You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips

are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal

fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless

stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.



British food sucks, always sucked and will continue to suck. Hands down, end of discussion, good night.



Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer,"

and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to

as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's

Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.



When you're in college with no money, that "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine" tastes quite good and does the job you intended it to do! Samuel Adams beer, named after our great Founding Father who coincidentally fought against British tyranny, has done rather well in the world community of beer. http://www.samueladams.com/news_awards.aspx



Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good

guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play

English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in

Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears

removed with a cheese grater.



Please, we had to endure Ewan McGregor trying to sound American portraying one of our nation's heros as an Army Ranger in Black Hawk Down. Or is he Scottish? No big deal, you're all the same anyway or at least you both sound funny.



You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of

proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will,

in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to

American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every

twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of

nancies).



Yeah, American football players are nancies! Say that to their face! Maybe we can emulate your hooligan, sub-human SOCCER fans. I watched a horrific report on a sports show on television regarding spectators. You can read about it in a simple Google search http://www.google.com/search?source...05-11,RNWE:en&q=European+football+fans+racist



Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an

event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside

of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world

beyond your borders, your error is understandable.



What about Canada? Toronto Blue Jays? Not played outside America? Hello, ever heard of Japan and the ENTIRE Latin American world? You play Cricket. How gay is that?!



You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.



Ask Oliver Stone!



An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

monies due (backdated to 1776).



Ha ha, given your pan-euro economy, you'll need it!



Thank you for your co-operation.



You're very welcome......mate!



:usa :usa
 
It is almost against the law for a citizen to defend themselves with deadly force over there. A person would be tied up in the legal system and go backrupt trying to get the charges dropped.



Consider that a populace depends on gov. for everything, even personal protection(which is doesnt get), it is no wonder we have 6 guns for every person.
 
At least our Euro cars



A. have the steering wheel connected to the road wheels.



B. maybe underpowered on the straight but can navigate a shallow bend in the road.



C. be raced on racing tracks that are not just oval.



D. Have engines fitted that deliver more than 40bhp per Litre.



E. Do not still use leaf springs.



F. Can be listed under "Sports Car" in a car guide ( The Corvette is not a sports car ).



G. Are driven by people that dont confuse a car for a pick-up.



Sensible Americans buy Toyatas or Hondas so they don't break down. BMW, Audi Jaguar, Saab, Volvo are prestige all over the world, Sorry can't think of a prestige American Car( No Lexus and Infinity are not American. The Land Rover has no Rivals off Road ( I have been where Hummers get bogged down)



What was great about American Cars Again?



Smokey and the Bandit 6.6Litre Trans Am 180bhp from the factory - Less BHP per litre than a citreon 2CV - 2 cyl 600cc
 
roadwarriorUK said:
F. Can be listed under "Sports Car" in a car guide ( The Corvette is not a sports car ).
Click to expand...



What?! Don't you get cheeky with me lad!



In June of 2005 the new Corvette C6.R scored a HISTORIC fourth 1st - 2nd place finish in the French Le Mans 24 hour race in the GTS class.



Fine, don't call it a "sports" car. Instead, let's call it a "street" car in which the American market has clearly cornered and OWNS. Not many people make it to the track anyway.



You can navigate your "shallow bend" in the road with your Citroen. I'll fly off the line in the seat of a Cobra Mustang, Z28 Camaro or Trans Am WS6. That's not forget to mention the bolt on performance parts to make these beasts even more powerful as well as handle better.



Smokey the Bandit was in 1978! Given the car scene here back then due to gas and insurance issues, you'd expect such a diminutive power plant.



For what it's worth, my family owned two Saabs and they were HORRIBLE mechanically speaking. They had zero power too. Always something wrong. My family now owns two 2004 BMWxi's - both have been to the dealer 3 times in less than 18 months because of faulty computer related issues (although a blast to drive in curves). A couple friends own Audi A4's - always in the shop for some problem or another. Jaguars, historically speaking, have also sucked mechanically. Now that I remember, my friend's father had a Rover - that thing sucked too! He was always repairing it. It was a cool car though. He also had a British green MG which he was always tinkering with. That too was cool, but not as cool as his 1965 Mustang fastback ;)



Cheerio my good fellow :D
 
Spilchy said:
For what it's worth, my family owned two Saabs and they were HORRIBLE mechanically speaking. They had zero power too. Always something wrong.
Click to expand...



Meh, I'd own a saab now. Well, at least I'd own the ones built by GM facilities with GM parts (namely the 9-7x).
 
Spilchy said:
What?! Don't you get cheeky with me lad!



In June of 2005 the new Corvette C6.R scored a HISTORIC fourth 1st - 2nd place finish in the French Le Mans 24 hour race in the GTS class.



Fine, don't call it a "sports" car. Instead, let's call it a "street" car in which the American market has clearly cornered and OWNS. Not many people make it to the track anyway.



You can navigate your "shallow bend" in the road with your Citroen. I'll fly off the line in the seat of a Cobra Mustang, Z28 Camaro or Trans Am WS6. That's not forget to mention the bolt on performance parts to make these beasts even more powerful as well as handle better.



Smokey the Bandit was in 1978! Given the car scene here back then due to gas and insurance issues, you'd expect such a diminutive power plant.



For what it's worth, my family owned two Saabs and they were HORRIBLE mechanically speaking. They had zero power too. Always something wrong. My family now owns two 2004 BMWxi's - both have been to the dealer 3 times in less than 18 months because of faulty computer related issues (although a blast to drive in curves). A couple friends own Audi A4's - always in the shop for some problem or another. Jaguars, historically speaking, have also sucked mechanically. Now that I remember, my friend's father had a Rover - that thing sucked too! He was always repairing it. It was a cool car though. He also had a British green MG which he was always tinkering with. That too was cool, but not as cool as his 1965 Mustang fastback ;)



Cheerio my good fellow :D
Click to expand...



Cheeky???



I'll give you cheeky



Global warming!



Greenhouse Gas



I thought How the F**k did bush get back in?



Now I know



No fate but what we make!



you deserve it



good bye old bean



P.S. did i mention wine, minimum wage, cuisine, - no later



Don't you get cheeky with me lad! - Seth please attempt to educate me as why I should not get "cheeky with you". why not?
 
Cheeky???



I'll give you cheeky



Global warming! Greenhouse Gas



Go bark at India and China too. What is Europe's latest contribution to humanity over the last century? Destructive results of colonialization, WW1, WW2, Facism, Nazism, Communism, the Holocaust and ethnic cleanising to name just a few. Who saved Europe from all of this? And now we'll save the world yet again from radical Islam and the terror it exports despite everyone freaking out over it. History will prove us right, just like in the past.



I thought How the F**k did bush get back in?



By receiving the largest popular vote out of any President in US history.



Now I know



Are you assuming I voted for him?



No fate but what we make!



you deserve it



Thanks! I tell you it's tough going being the single greatest military super power ever known in recorded history. Half the fun of it is listening to whiny, cry baby, marshmellow Europeans get their panties in a bunch over it beacuse it's not them in the same position.



good bye old bean



P.S. did i mention wine, minimum wage, cuisine, - no later



wine - Napa Valley, California - one of the world's finest producing region. Cuisine - some of the most eclectic in the world based on the various regions of the country thanks to our many cultural influences. Minimum wage - valid points on both sides of the equation.



I can go on and on!!



But, back to detailing for me! I've said my piece as the obnoxious American :chuckle:

In all seriousness, the Brits are our buddies and it's good to have you blokes on our side!
 
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