How do you approach someone about this?

S

Scottwax

New member
I have a female customer whose cars I have detailed once or twice a year since around late 2000. Very pretty and doing well financially. Seems to really have her act together since the death of her WWF husband (he died around the same time as Owen Hart died but he wasn't her husband). Anyway, I detailed her car a couple weeks ago and now she wants me to wash it a couple times a month when I am in the area, so I will see her a lot more often.



Here is the deal. This last time I detailed her car, I noticed she has lost weight and I mean a lot of weight. She basically looks like a skeleton with skin drapped over it. Her face is particularly thin. She is about 5' 6" and maybe 90 pounds. Frankly, I am worried about her health. She also has a daughter who is around 8 or 9 if I remember right and anorexia or bullimia is not a good example to set.



Do I say anything about her alarming appearance? Is it really my place to say anything? If I should say something, how?



:nixweiss
 
Scott,

That is a really tough situation you have there. I have seem some people really go through a lot with anorexia. It is horrible.



As for approaching her, how close are you to her? I would suggest to get on a really friendly level with her and ask if everything is going ok. It is really tough to first approach her, but when she knows you aer concerned, it will make her feel better.



This is a really tough situation and maybe not your place, but she needs help in some way.



I wish the best to you.
 
The fact that you're concerned and worried for her health is commendable :xyxthumbs



....however i don't think that it would be your place to comment in a service provider/supplier to client relationship.



Body image is a very sensitive subject for people (especially woman)



Bob
 
A difficult one. Normally social conventions would say that a person who has a good social relationship would be allowed to speak about personal matters. However, sometimes a stranger can be the best person.



The weight loss could also be from an illness or medication which might be a very sensitive area.



If I wanted to broach the subject I would make it a compliment ie how well she was looking and gauge her reaction.
 
Very tough situation indeed.



I think you should either say something to her, or contact someone in her family or a friend of hers and mention it to them. The second option would be ideal actually, since you wouldn't have to worry about her reaction, and the family member or friend would probably be impressed that you are concerned. I can't imagine they would be upset at you.



If this is really a health problem, it's likely that someone close to her has already said something. But you can't just assume they have. The thing you have to remember is that you will feel terrible if something happens to her and you didn't do anything.



Good luck Scott!
 
If you think she has an eating disorder, the LAST thing I would do is comment on how well she's looking. You'll only reinforce her self destructing behavior.



Unfortunately, eating disorders are VERY, VERY difficult to treat and require proper, constant medical attention. Most importantly she needs strong suppport from friends and family to help her through whatever she is dealing with.



Do you know any of her friends or other family members? You can gently indicate you're a bit concerned about her.



If you're bold enough and want to get involved, maybe you can ask her if everything is ok and mask your concern about an eating disorder by saying something like she seems a bit sad or distracted. Maybe it'll open her up to the more deeper things that may be troubling her.



Whatever you do, just remember (as you know) if you're going to get involved, you're opening yourself up to a lot of stress and baggage. You'd be obligated to see it through. It's not like you'll be Superman in the begining and then say peace out when the sh!t hits the fan :p



Personally, I'd think only about saying something to a family or friend and that's it. It's unfortunate, but you've got your own life and your boy's life to take care of first and foremost.



Keep us posted. I'll be curious.
 
The problem doesn't sounds like an eating disorder so much as depression. After my Dad died I got down to 157 lbs (at 6'1"), just because I was basically too depressed to bother to eat. I imagine losing a spouse would be a much worse thing to go through.



I'm afraid you're not close enough to this woman for this to be your place to do anything about. Hopefully she has some support network and her family/friends are working right now to figure out a solution.



I can only hope it isn't a problem like I have right now with someone in my family--where the depressed person is in total denial and her spouse is violently opposed to any type of help. :(
 
Scott,

you mentioned she has a daughter. Has the daughter shown any sign of her mother's apparent "personal" abuse?

If I was this child's health care provider and this mother brought her child to my office I would question not only how has the child been doing but also how is Mom doing. If she demostrated no desire to speak about her physical changes, I would still contact Social Services (51A - non accusal request) to evaluate the family situation. As you mentioned, the child is at risk because of the mother's apparent health situation. By law I must do this. As a client of yours you are not obliged to do anything but as a fellow human being and a father and possibly the only person that has noticed her cry for help. Her request to see you more often (detailing) may be her means of letting you get close enough to her so that you feel obliged to report what's going on.

If you have no contacts with this woman's family, I would place a report to Social Service in behalf of your concern about both the Mom and child. If the child shows no signs of neglect SS will refer the Mom to the proper medical care intervention.
 
Scott: I guess this is one of those situations where you need to decide if your business relationship with this woman is more important than your relationship to her as a caring and compassionate human being.



Reading your posts here on Autopia, I sense that you are a moral man and I think you know that the right thing to do is to intervene in the situation somehow. I suspect you are already leaning in this direction, or you would not have opened this thread, the only real question is the best way to intervene.



Just be very careful about intervening personally, unless you are trusted by the woman, or if she is really signals that she is ready to accept help, you risk being viewed hostile and making her even more defensive about her weight loss. This is something you will have to "play by ear" and be prepared to help directly or anonymously through an another agent such as her church, other family members, her friends, charities or government agencies.



Good luck with whatever you decide and God bless you and this unfortunate woman.
 
The next time you are doing her car, I would just ask her alot of general questions and see if by chance she opens up. That way if she's not comfortable talking to you about it, she won't. General questions like- How's your daughter? How are you doing these days? Gone on any vacations lately or anywhere exciting in this beautiful car? Stuff like that might open her into saying "Well I have'nt done much lately, I've been sick etc. Or she may just not wanna talk about it. The main thing is to let her know your her friend, and eventually she'll talk a little more and more...
 
How long ago did her husband pass away? I'm not a WWF fan enough to know when Owen Hart died... but anyway, not sure if depression from her husband would still be the cause of losing so much weight. I know my whole family lost some weight when my dad died this year... but if it's been years since this woman's husband died I'm not sure if that could be the reason.



Tough situation :-/
 
Edwin-I clean her car at the apartment complex she manages so I have no contact with her daughter. I used to clean her boyfriend's Pathfinder regularly at her house until they split up about 4 months ago and he moved to Frisco. I might give him a call and see if he knows what the problem might be.



Megan-I love Whataburger! I had lunch there today when I took a break from detailing as a customer's house (S600, Escalade both details and washed his son's GTO). I ate for free because my customer asked me to bring him back something and told me to use the rest of the money he gave me for my lunch.



Get her a #2 with double cheese and a chocolate shake for desert! Repeat until her weight is normal. ;)



Joe-he died around the year 2000. He didn't have a stage name so I'd prefer not to say who specifically. She had been engaged until early this year. I don't know who initiated the breakup though.



grt1today-She is working while I clean her car and any conversation before or after depends on her workload. We do talk about all sorts of things when we do have time for conversation.



I appreciate all the advice. I'd like to see her get the help she needs, whether she is depressed or suffering from an eating disorder. I may casually mention to one of her leasing agents "XXXX is looking a little too thin" and guage her response to see if I can probe further. It could be they are worried as well and not know how to address the situation.
 
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