Jokes to cheer u up

[Big Leegr]

**************************MARRIAGE SEMINAR
***While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
*communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
*instructor, *"It is essential that husbands and wives know
*the things that are important to each other."
************************He addressed the man,
***********"Can you describe your wife`s favorite flower?"
*****Tom leaned over, touched his wife`s arm gently and
****whispered, *"It`s Robin Hood, isn`t it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I`ll stop right here.

[Big Leegr]

Rudolph wasn`t always thought to have a red nose.

For a while he wasn`t the lead reindeer. He was behind Dasher, but he couldn`t stop as fast.

[The Chee]

[Big Leegr]

Norman and his blonde wife live in St Louis MO. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman`s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman`s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park
........... " then the electric power goes out !!!

Norman`s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "I don`t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don`t you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Big Leegr]

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note said: "The opinions expressed by this child do not necessarily represent those of his parents."

[Big Leegr]

A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had found some old books a few weeks back in a garage sale box. Not finding anything of interest, the collector asked his friend, "Was this all you got?"
"No, there was an old Bible in there too, but it was pretty beat up. And it wasn`t in English. Made by Gutten-something-or-other."
"You Fool!! You`ve thrown out one of the first books ever printed!! A copy recently sold at auction for over half a million dollars!!"
"Oh, I don`t think this book would have been worth that much. It was scribbled in the margins by somebody named Martin Luther."

[tubafeak]

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods. They come upon a stump that contains a Genie. The genie tells them that they each get three wishes.

Bear: Alright, my first wish is to have all of the woman bears in the forest beautiful.

The Genie made it so.

Rabbit: I want a Motorcycle!

The Genie made it so.

Bear: Umm... I wish that every female bear in the forest loved me.

The Genie made it so.

Rabbit: I want a helmet, so that I can ride my motorcycle safely!

The Genie Made it so.

Bear: Rabbit, Why the heck are you wasting your wishes, a motorcycle, what the HELL man?

The Rabbit was very annoyed at this.

Bear: Okay, my final wish... I wish I were the only male bear in the entire forest.

The Genie made it so.

The Rabbit, annoyed at the bear, figured out what his final wish was.

Rabbit: You see this bear here, I wish that that bear had no Penis!

The Genie made it so.

The Moral: Umm... don`t piss off rabbits, I guess...???

[tubafeak]

So I borrowed my friend`s car this weekend. About a day after I returned it she got all pissed at me and said I had to buy her a new clutch. I don`t know what she`s talking about, I didn`t use the damn thing.

[Big Leegr]

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you
bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two
sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our
home in Arkansas, we promised that we`d drink this way to remember the
days when we drank together. So I`m drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice
custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and
always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don`t want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite
puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh,
no, everybody`s just fine," she explains, "It`s just that my husband and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn`t affected my sisters though."

[Big Leegr]

A stingy old man who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying "You can`t take it with you." After much thought and consideration, he finally decided on a way to take at least some of it with him when he died.
He told his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill 2 pillowcases. He then told her to put them in the attic directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several days after the funeral the man`s widow, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the 2 pillowcases of money. "Oh that old fool!" she said, "I knew he should have had me put them in the basement."

[Big Leegr]

A guy comes back from his vacation.

"Hi Guy! How was your vacation?"
"I was surrounded by sand and water all week long. It was terrible!"
"Surrounded by sand and water sounds like paradise!"
"I was golfing."

[The Chee]

"If we don`t succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, Ex President

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

[Big Leegr]

A man comes home from the doctors office looking very very worried.
"What`s wrong?" asks his wife.
"The doctor said I have to take a pill a day, every day, for the rest of my life!"
"Oh... so what? Lots of people have to take pills their whole life."
"I know..... But he only gave me 4 pills!!!"

[Big Leegr]

A Stranger rides into a town in the wild west. He goes into a saloon and orders a drink. Just as he gets it, another man comes running into the saloon yelling "Big Jake`s riding into town!! BIG JAKE`S RIDING INTO TOWN!!!"
Suddenly the whole saloon empties of everyone but the stranger and the bartender, who`s trying to hide the money/expensive alcohol.
"Who`s this `Big Jake?" asks the stranger.
"Well,....." starts the bartender, when the saloon doors burst open and there, in the entryway stands a man 7 feet tall and 4 feet wide! He strides up to the bartender, slams his massive hand on the bar and bellows "Gimme a whiskey!"
The bartender does and the man swallows it in one gulp.
"Gimme another."
He drinks that down in one gulp too.
The stranger says to the man, "Let me buy you the next one."
The man looks at the stranger with an amazed look and says, " Are you kidding? I`ve got to get out of here! Big Jake`s coming!"

[JeffBruce]

> A guy from East Texas passed away
> and left his entire estate to his beloved widow,
> but she can`t touch it `til she`s 14.
> -
> How can you tell if an East Texas redneck is
> married?
> There`s dried tobacco juice on
> BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
> -
> Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
> drinking age in East Texas to 32?
> It seems they want to keep alcohol
> out of the high schools.
> -
> What do they call reruns of
> "Hee Haw" in East Texas?
> Documentaries.
> -
> Where was the tooth brush invented?
> East Texas (and Louisiana, too).
> If it had been invented anywhere else,
> it would have been called a teeth brush.
> -
> An East Texas State Trooper
> pulls over a pickup driven by a guy from
> Jasper on I-10, and says to the driver,
> "Got any ID?"
> And the driver replies "Bout wut?"
> -
> Did you hear about the $3 million
> East Texas Lottery?
> The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
> -
> The County Commissioner`s Office
> in Woodville burned down! Yep.
> Pert near took out the whole trailer park.
> The library was a total loss, too.
> Both books -poof! Up in flames, and they
> hadn`t even finished coloring one of them.
> -
> A new law was recently passed in East Texas
> When a couple gets divorced they are STILL cousins.
> -
> At the scene of the accident a trooper
> asked the East Texas driver what gear
> he was in at the moment of impact.
> He replied,
> "tractor hat and camouflage hunting outfit"
> -
> Folks in East Texas now go
> to movies in groups of 18.
> They were told
> "17 and under are not admitted."
> -
> An East Texas man spoke frantically
> into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
> contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
> "Is this her first child?", the doctor asked.
> "No, ya dummy!" the man shouted, "This is her
> Husband!"