Jokes to cheer u up

[Big Leegr]

Fresh out of University, a young man went to an interview for a good paying job. The human resources director asked him various questions about why he wanted to work there, what he took in school, etc., but then asked him what 7 times 3 was.
Surprised, and nervous, the man answers "22."
After the interview, the man pulls out a calculator and checks it.
"Rats." he says.
Not expecting to get the job, he goes home.
The next day he gets a call from the HR director telling him he got the job.
Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, but still curious, he asks why he got the job, even though his answer was wrong.
"You were the closest."

[The Chee]

http://www.yonkis.com/media/fototopiame.wmv

[usdm]

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operation (AO):

Paratrooper: Jumps out of plane, sights snake, steers chute to avoid
snake, releases chute approx. 5` above ground, then lands on snake
killing it anyway.

Armor: Runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.

Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn`t find snake. Back to base
for crew rest, night-clubbing, and some sort of drink called "The sidewinder"

Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.

Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake`s home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.

SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire
in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then
retreats to safety.

Corps Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process inflicts severe collateral
damage to an area 5 miles in radius. Mission is considered a success and
all participants are awarded Silver Stars. (Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks etc.)

Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.

Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.

Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, pops smoke,
airlifts snake, then feverishly works to save the snake`s life.

Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its
heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.

Infantry: pointman sights snake. Pointman hand-signals to squad leader of
contact with snake. Squad leader hand-signals to pointman and squad
to fall back. Squad leader calls platoon sgt for recommendations. Platoon
sgt recommends engaging snake, but is counter-manded by platoon
leader. Platoon leader calls company commander, who then calls batallion
co, who then contacts division commander, who now must wrestle
with ramifications of snake encounter. Division co refers this monumental
task to his second in command (executive officer). Division XO calls down
to batallion to get size, strength, and intentions of snake. Batallion attempts
to contact company to get information, but looses report when
communications satellite required for transmission is retasked. Company
CO radios communications center requesting re-retask of satelite.
Communications center tells Company CO that authorization of retask
can only come from Division CO. Company CO in frustration leapforgs
over both Batallion CO and Division XO, attempting to contact Divsion
CO directly. The Division CO`s secretary informs Company CO that the
Division CO is out of the office, and recommends leaving a message.
Snake gets bored, and slithers away. Several years later, 60 Minutes
does an expose on what will eventually be known as, "The Snake Incident",
in which all involved will deny any knowledge of the event ever
happenning...all except for the snake and the retired platoon
sgt, who collectively write a bestselling book about the debacle.

[Big Leegr]

You`d think flying around the world every year as Santa does would be very expensive, yet he does it every year with less than 10 bucks!

[The Chee]

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There`s no warning that it`s on the way; it`s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That`s very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don`t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that`s a very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad`s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there`s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It`s hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It`s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn`t feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already poop in my pants.

HE GOT THE JOB

[The Chee]

:angel

[dalmore]

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn`t it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven`t had a cold all winter."

This is for those of you who haven`t had a flu shot yet.

[Big Leegr]

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from job performance reviews

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won`t be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn`t watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn`t coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He`s so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she`d get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he`d have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you`ll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It`s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

[cheapshot]

A man walks in a bar one day, sits down orders a beer and gets comfy. The owner announces to everyone at the bar that night, "I am Renaming the Bar, I will give 100 free beers to who ever comes up with a name that I like, not only that but I`ll give him or her drinks on the house till closing." So everyone is shouting and yelling "Bill`s Pub" "Big Bill`s" another shouts " Corner Bar" Then a man shouts out!"Lucy`s Leg`s" The owner Bill says that`s it, I love the name so "Lucy`s Leg`s" it is. So the Man had all he could drink for the night and closing was a in few minutes anyway, He says to bill, What time do you open in the morning? Bill says "I`m open at 10", so the man says "See you in the morning for my free drinks". So the next morning the guys is waiting outside pacing back and forth, it`s about 9:45 and Bill`s nowhere to be found. A police car swings by and says to the man "Are you lost sir? then man responds "NO I`m not lost! I`m waiting for "Lucy`s Leg`s" to open so I can get a drink!"

[The Chee]

You need this in your detailing arsenal...

The world`s biggest clay bar

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eB...%3ALC%3AMT%3A1

:hah

[usdm]

A marine jarhead, and an army grunt are taking a leak
in the latrine. The jarhead finishes first, and goes to wash
his hands. The grunt finishes after, proceeds to walk out of the
latrine. The jarhead looks at the grunt and says, "In the
Marine Corps, they teach us to wash our hands." The grunt
just smiles and says, "Well in the Army, they teach us not
to pee in our hands."

[usdm]

It`s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She`s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"

... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[usdm]

Smelling what you eat...

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I`m sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can`t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I`ll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man`s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that`s what I`ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner`s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I`m the blind man." "I`m sorry, I didn`t recognize you. I`ll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I`ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he`s going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see`s him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn`t know that Mary worked here?"

[usdm]

Crashing Supermodels

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.

Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!"

Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing mine!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her private parts. Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??" Calmly, Naomi responds: "I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!"

[usdm]

Sample Computer Viruses...

THE AL GORE Virus...
(Causes your computer to just keep counting.)

THE CLINTON Virus...
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)

THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus...
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.)

THE JESSE JACKSON virus...
(Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.)

THE MIKE TYSON virus...
(Quits after two bytes.)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus...
(Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to re-
stabilize around 200mb.)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...
(Deletes all old files.)

THE PROZAC virus...
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn`t care.)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
(Only attacks minor files.)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.)

And last but not least....THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.)