Jokes to cheer u up

[scottlee]

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The
Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I
Was a salesman back in Omaha."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
Tomorrow." I`ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
Store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought
Something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
Day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the
Heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
Medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
New fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
Said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
Went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston
Whaler. Then he said he didn`t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
Took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
And I said, `Dude, your weekend`s shot, you should go fishing.`"

[TrueDetailer]

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The
Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I
Was a salesman back in Omaha."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
Tomorrow." I`ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
Store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought
Something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
Day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the
Heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
Medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
New fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
Said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
Went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston
Whaler. Then he said he didn`t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
Took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
And I said, `Dude, your weekend`s shot, you should go fishing.`"

Thats awesome

[theRIAA]

The U.S. spent 1 billion dollors to find a writing insturment that would work in 0 gravidy in outer space. No matter how hard they tried they couldnt find the solution to this problem. The Russians finaly figured it out . They call the new insturment a pencil .

"There exists a common rumor claiming that NASA spent millions of dollars developing the Space Pen, with the humorous note that the Russian space agency opted to simply use pencils. This has been debunked several times, with reasons such as the danger that a broken-off pencil tip poses in zero gravity and the high flammability of both the graphite and wood present in pencils (especially in a pure oxygen atmosphere). In fact NASA never approached Paul Fisher to develop a pen, nor did Fisher receive any government funding for the pen`s development. Fisher himself invented it, and then asked NASA to try it. After the introduction of the AG7 Space Pen, both the American and Soviet (later Russian) space agencies adopted it."

-wiki

[Big Leegr]

Boy: "You know, ever since I met you, I can`t eat. I can`t drink."
Girl: "Why is that?"
Boy: "Because I`m broke!"

-------------------------------------------
"Why are you going steady with Jane?"
"Because she`s different from other girls."
"How so?"
"Because she`s the only one that will go out with me."
-------------------------------------------

"Did you get that girl to go out with you yet?"
"No... But I`m getting some encouragement!"
"Why? What did she say?"
"She told me she said `No` for the last time!"
------------------------------------
Getting a word in with my wife is like trying to thread a sewing machine with the motor running.
------------------------------------

My run of jokes has a happy ending-everybody will be happy when I`ve finished!

[jaybs02]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can`t figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it`s finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it`s a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we`re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.let`s have a nice
cup of tea, and then, he sighed................




"Let`s put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

[Big Leegr]

What`s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.

[jaybs02]

RETIRED SHOPPERS

My wife and I are retired. She insists that I go with
her to Wal-mart. I get bored with all the shopping. I
prefer to get in and get out, but she loves to browse.
Here`s a letter sent to her from the store.
Dear Mrs. Wilson
Over the past six months, your husband has been
causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from
our stores. We have documented all incidents on our
video surveillance equipment.
All complaints against Mr. Wilson are listed below.
Things Mr. Wilson has done while his spouse was
shopping in Wal-mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people`s carts when they weren`t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to
go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official tone, `Code 3` in house wares.. and
watched what happened.

5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a
bag of M&M`s on layaway.

6. Sept 14: Moved a `CAUTION - WET FLOOR` sign to a
carpeted area.

7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department
and told other shoppers he`d invite them in if they`ll
bring pillows from the bedding department

8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks, `Why can`t you people just
leave me alone?`

9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used
it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find
the antidepressants.

11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams
"NO! NO! It`s those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ...

15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door
waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no
toilet paper in here!"

[Big Leegr]

Not realistic, but funny anyway, I think:

A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone`s attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini pulls up.

"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.

"I can do better than that," the man driving the Lambo replied. "I`ve got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."

They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a twin turbo V8. The F40 began to rev it`s engine to get the Lambo to race. The Lambo rev`s its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

The officer there watches them pass, stares for a minute, and radios to HQ saying, "Sarge, you will not believe what I just saw. A Ferrari and a Lambo were racing down the road doing about 120 with a Mini-van honking it`s horn and flashing it`s lights trying to pass them!"

[Mr. Clean]

***Disclaimer*** I apologize in advance if this has been posted previously.

Today begins the season of Lent for many Christians. Though celebrated by many, not everyone follow the same traditions/practices as demonstrated below...

Speaking of the Lenten season...

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba`s neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a
Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba`s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba`s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.

[scottlee]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers
the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of
your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.When the truck stops
for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car,
runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they`ve never spoken, the
blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of
your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues
down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and
you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker
revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it`s winter in Indiana, and I`m driving the SALT
TRUCK!"

[joe.p]

re: jokes to cheer you up..

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man`s reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O`Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O`Toole said, "No, I don`t Father."

The priest said, "I don`t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don`t want to go to heaven?"

O`Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

[joe.p]

Re: jokes to cheer you up..

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin` from?"

[Big Leegr]

A group of tribesmen were plotting to steal the throne of the neighboring tribe`s king. Once it got dark, they snuck over and stole it, bringing it back to their village.
"Where are we going to hide this big thing?" asked one.
"Let`s put it up in the rafters of our grass hut! Nobody will think of looking there!" replied another.
And so they did.
"Let`s have a party to celebrate our accomplishment!" suggested one.
And so they did.
Loud music and wild dancing ensued.
Unfortunately, the rafters of the grass hut couldn`t withstand all the vibration and the throne crashed down and killed the thieves.
And so, it just goes to show you, those who live in grass houses shouldn`t stow thrones.

[norahcrv]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car & splaattt

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what`s wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don`t worry." & runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, - turns around and waves again. He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves yet again, hops another ten feet, and again turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says . . .


(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(You know you`re gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,








"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."



Happy Easter! !!

[The Chee]

Blonde joke Thanks, I needed that before returning to the jungle