Tools of the Trade (Humor)

[Oneheadlite]

Stumbled onto this digging through my toolbox, thought I`d share. Some are pretty old school, so you can guess how long I`ve had it. Geared towards mechanics/DIY`rs, but I`m someone can add some detailing ones as well!

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, today the hammer is used as a kind of divining rod to locate tender body parts not far from the object you are trying to hit.

Mechanics Knife (or - Box Cutter): Used to open cardboard boxes. It works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers. Used in haste, also targets flesh just beyond intended cutting path.

Crescent Wrench: Used to round off bolt heads.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into crooked, unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence it`s course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise Grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene Torch: Used to remove rounded off bolts and free any stuck part.

Drill Press: A tall, upright machine useful to suddenly snatch flat metal stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and throws your work across the room.

Wire Wheel: Cleans rust off old bolts, then throws them under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints, warts, and calluses.

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering low-clearance vehicles to the ground, trapping the handle firmly under the nearest overhang.

8` Long 2x4: Used to pry vehicle upward off a hydraulic jack.

Tweezers: A tool used for removing wood splinters from 2x4`s.

Telephone: Tool for calling around to find another hydraulic floor jack.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

1/2" x 16" Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end.

Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw.

Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Trouble Light: Sometimes called a drop light. It`s main purpose is to consume 40 watt light bulbs. More often dark than light, it`s name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt. It can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a 1/2" impact gun that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Detroit, and rounds them off.

Feel free to add to the list!

John

[Boden]

If I may add a few

Cordless extension cord

Left handed screwdriver (multiple types)

Henway

Right handed fraiming square

Hole remover

AC Battery

Board stretcher

Copper magnet

Blinker fluid

----

all used to mess with with the new guy/girl.

[Mary B]

[Bunky]

The shop (drop) light is the most relevant to me. I ended up with an LED unit that is much more durable.

[pgp]

I keep looking for a 6x9" hole saw. They are always out of stock

[Ronkh]

I keep looking for a 6x9" hole saw. They are always out of stock

I used to find them next to the Jensen 6x9 coaxial speakers.