Ronkh
03-16-2009, 02:25 PM
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn`t even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I`d like to phone a friend."
And that`s when the fight started....
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven`t been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that`s when the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife`s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, `The weather out there is terrible.`
My loving wife of 10 years replied, `Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?`
& And then the fight started ...
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o`clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man `Holy
****. That must be my husband!`
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He
smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast
as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the
woman, `I AM your husband!`
The woman yelled back, `Yeah, then why were you running?`
And then the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, `I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.`
The husband replies, `Your eyesight`s damn near perfect.`
And then the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I`ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren`t you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, `Do you know her?`
`Yes,` I sighed, `She`s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn`t been sober since.`
`My God!` said my wife, `who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?`
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver`s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, `Unbutton your shirt.` So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, `That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me` and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security offic e.
She said, `You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.`
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, `I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 160 in about 3 seconds.`
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, `What`s on TV?`
I said, `Dust.`
And then the fight started...
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn`t even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I`d like to phone a friend."
And that`s when the fight started....
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven`t been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that`s when the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife`s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, `The weather out there is terrible.`
My loving wife of 10 years replied, `Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?`
& And then the fight started ...
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o`clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man `Holy
****. That must be my husband!`
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He
smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast
as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the
woman, `I AM your husband!`
The woman yelled back, `Yeah, then why were you running?`
And then the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, `I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.`
The husband replies, `Your eyesight`s damn near perfect.`
And then the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I`ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren`t you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, `Do you know her?`
`Yes,` I sighed, `She`s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn`t been sober since.`
`My God!` said my wife, `who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?`
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver`s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, `Unbutton your shirt.` So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, `That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me` and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security offic e.
She said, `You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.`
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, `I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 160 in about 3 seconds.`
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, `What`s on TV?`
I said, `Dust.`
And then the fight started...