Trekkies Only - The Complete Ferengi Rules Of Acquisition

[GearHead_1]

I can`t honestly tell you that this is worth the time to read but some of these are a crack up. 1. Once you have their money, never give it back 2. You can`t cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try 3. Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to 4. Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough 5. If you can`t break a contract, bend it 6. Never let family stand in the way of opportunity 7. Always keep you ears open 8. Keep count of your change 9. Instinct plus opportunity equals profit 10. A dead customer can`t buy as much as a live one 11. Latinum isn`t the only thing that shines 12. Anything worth selling is worth selling twice 13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money 14. Anything stolen is pure profit 15. Acting stupid is often smart 16. A deal is a deal ... until a better one comes along 17. A bargain usually isn`t 18. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all 19. Don`t lie too soon after a promotion 20. When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat 21. Never place friend ship before profit 22. Wise men can hear profit in the wind 23. Never take the last coin, but be sure to get the rest 24. Never ask when you can take 25. Fear makes a good business partner 26. The vast majority of the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their wealth; they stole it 27. The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down 28. Morality is always defined by those in power 29. When someone says "It`s not the money," they`re lying 30. Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money 31. Never make fun of a Ferengi`s mother 32. Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects 33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss 34. War is good for business 35. Peace is good for business 36. Too many Ferengi can`t laugh at themselves anymore 37. You can always buy back a lost reputation 38. Free advertising is cheap 39. Praise is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers 40. If you see profit on a journey, take it 41. Money talks, but having a lots of it gets more attention 42. Only negotiate when you are certain to profit 43. Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon 44. Never argue with a loaded phaser 45. Profit has limits. Loss has none 46. Labor camps are full of people who trusted the wrong person 47. Never trust a man wearing a better suit than you own 48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife 49. Old age and greed will always overcome youth and talent 50. Never bluff a Klingon 51. Never admit a mistake if there`s someone else to blame 52. Only Bugsy could have built Las Vegas 53. Sell first; ask questions later 54. Never buy anything you can`t sell 55. Always sell at the highest possible profit 56. Pursue profit; women come later 57. Good customers are almost as rare as Latinum - treasure them 58. Friendship is seldom cheap 59. Fee advice is never cheap 60. Never use Latinum where your words will do 61. Never buy what can be stolen 62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit 63. Power without profit is like a ship without an engine 64. Don`t talk shop; talk shopping 65. Don`t talk ship; talk shipping 66. Anyone serving in a fleet who is crazy can be relieved, if they ask for it 67. Enough is never enough 68. Compassion is no substitute for a profit 69. You could afford your ship without your government - if it weren`t for your government 70. Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise 71. Gamble and trade have two things in common: risk and Latinum 72. Never let the competition know, what you`re thinking 73. Never trust advice from a dying Ferengi; listen but don`t trust 74. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all 75. Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of Latinum 76. Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies 77. Go where no Ferengi has gone before; where there is no reputation there is profit 78. Don`t discriminate. The most unlikely species can create the best customers 79. Benefit from the Vulcan greed for knowledge 80. If it works, sell it. If it works well, sell it for more. If it doesn`t work, quadruple the price and sell it as an antique 81. There`s nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman 82. A smart customer is not a good customer 83. Revenge is profitless 84. She can touch your ears but never your Latinum 85. Death takes no bribes 86. A wife is a luxury, a smart accountant a necessity 87. Trust is the biggest liability of all 88. When the boss comes to dinner, it never hurts to have the wife wear something 89. Latinum lasts longer than lust 90. Mine is better than ours 91. He who drinks fast pays slow 92. Never confuse wisdom with luck 93. He`s a fool who makes his doctor his heir 94. Beware of small expenses: a small leak will kill a ship 95. Important, more impotant, Latinum 96. Faith moves mountains - of inventory 97. If you would keep a secret from an enemy, don`t tell it to a friend 98. Profit is the better part of valor 99. Never trust a wise man 100. Everything that has no owner, needs one 101. Never do something you can make someone do for you 102. Nature decays, but Latinum lasts forever 103. Sleep can interfere with opportunity 104. Money is never made. It is merely won or lost 105. Wise men don`t lie, they just bend the truth 106. There is no honor in poverty 107. Win or lose, there`s always Huyperian Beetle Snuff 108. A woman wearing clothes is like a man without profit 109. Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack 110. Only a fool passes up a business opportunity 111. Treat people in your debt like family ... exploit them 112. Never sleep with the boss`s wife unless you pay him first 113. Never sleep with the boss`s sister 114. Small print lead to large risk 115. Greed is eternal 116. There`s always a way out 117. If the profit seems too good to be true, it usually is 118. Never cheat a honest man offering a decent price 119. Buy, sell, or get out of the way 120. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of Latinum 121. Everything is for sale, even friendship 122. As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer 123. A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a customer 124. Friendship is temporary, profit is forever 125. A lie isn`t a lie until someone else knows the truth 126. A lie isn`t a lie, it`s just the truth seen from a different point of view 127. Gratitude can bring on generosity 128. Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races 129. Never trust your customers 130. Never trust a beneficiary 131. If it gets you profit, sell your own mother 132. The flimsier the produce, the higher the price 133. Never judge a customer by the size of his wallet ... sometimes good things come in small packages 134. There`s always a catch 135. The only value of a collectible is what you can get somebody else to pay for it 136. The sharp knife cuts quickly. Act without delay! 137. Necessity is the mother of invention. Profit is the father 138. Law makes everyone equal, but justice goes to the highest bidder 139. Wives serve; brother inherit 140. The answer to quick and easy profit is: buy for less, sell for more 141. Competition and fair play are mutually exclusive. Fair play and financial loss go hand-in-hand 142. A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves 143. The family of Fools is ancient 144. There`s nothing wrong with charity ... as long as it winds up in your pocket 145. Always ask for the costs first 146. If possible sell neither the sizzle nor the steak, but the Elphasian wheat germ 147. New customers are like razor toothed gree worms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back 148. Opportunity waits for no one 149. Females and finances don`t mix 150. Make your shop easy to find 151. Sometimes, what you get free costs entirely too much 152. Ask not what your profits can do for you; ask what you can do for your profits 153. You can`t free a fish from water 154. The difference between manure and Latinum is commerece 155. What`s mine is mine, and what`s yours is mine too 156. Even in the worst of times someone turns a profit 157. You are surrounded by opportunities; you just have to know where to look 158. Don`t pay until you have the goods 159. The customer is always right ... until you have their cash 160. Respect is good, Latinum is better 161. Never kill a customer, unless you make more profit out of his death than out of his life 162. His money is only your`s when he can`t get it back 163. A thirsty customer is good for profit, a drunk one isn`t 164. Never spend your own money when you can spend someone elses 165. Never allow one`s culture`s law to get in the way of a universal goal: profit 166. Never give away for free what can be sold 167. If a deal is fairly and lawfully made, then seeking revenge especially unprofitable revenge, is illegal 168. Beware of relatives bearing gifts 169. If you`re going to have to endure, make yourself comfortable 170. Never gamble with an empath 171. Time is Latinum. The early Ferengi get the Latinum 172. If you can sell it, don`t hsitate to steal it 173. A piece of Latinum in the hand is worth two in a customer`s pocket 174. Share and perish 175. When everything fails - run 176. Ferengi`s don`t give promotional gifts! 177. Know your enemies ... but do business with them always 178. The world is a stage - don`t forget to demand admission 179. Whenever you think that things can`t get worse, the FCA will be knocking on you door 180. Never offer a confession when a bribe will do 181. Even dishonesty can`t tarnish the glow of Latinum 182. Whenever you`re being asked if you are god, the right answer is YES 183. Genius without opportunity is like Latinum in the mine 184. There are three things you must not talk to aliens: sex, religion and taxes 185. If you want to ruin yourself there are three known ways: Gambling is the fastest, women are the sweetest, and banks are the most reliable way 186. There are two things that will catch up with you for sure: death and taxes 187. If your dancing partner wants to lead at all costs, let her have her own way and ask another one to dance 188. Never bet on a race you haven`t fixed 189. Borrow on a handshake; lend in writing 190. Drive your business or it will drive you 191. Let other keep their reputation. You keep their money 192. If the flushing isn`t strong enough, use your brain and try the brush 193. Klingon women don`t dance tango 194. It`s always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door 195. Wounds heal, but debt is forever 196. Only give money to people you know you can steal from 197. Never trust your customers, especially if they are your relatives 198. Employees are the rungs on your ladder to success - don`t hesitate to step on them 199. The secret of one person is another person`s opportunity 200. A madman with Latinum means profit without return 201. The justification for profit is profit 202. (a) A friend in need is a customer in the making (b) A friend in need means three times the profit 203. A Ferengi in need, will never do anything for free 204. When the Grand Nagus arrives to offer you a business opportunity, it`s time to leave town until he`s gone 205. When the customer dies, the money stops a-comin` 206. Fighting with Klingons is like gambling with Cardassians - it`s good to have a friend around when you lose 207. Never trust a hardworking employee 208. Give someone a fish, you feed him for one day. Teach him how to fish, and you lose a steady customer 209. Tell them what they want to hear 210. A wife, who is able to clean, saves the cleaning lady 211. In business deals, a disruptor can be almost as important as a calculator 212. If they accept your first offer, you either asked too little or offered too much 213. Stay neutral in conflicts so that you can sell supplies to both sides 214. Never begin a business transaction on an empty stomach 215. Instinct without opportunity is useless 216. Never take hospitality from someone worse off than yourself 217. Only pay for it if you are confronted with loaded phaser 218. Always know what you`re buying 219. A friend is not a friend if he asks for a discount 220. Profit is like a bed of roses - a few thorns are inevitable 221. Beware of any man who thinks with his lobes 222. Knowledge is Latinum 223. Rich men don`t come to buy; they come to take 224. Never throw anything away: It may be worht a lot of Latinum some Stardate 225. Pride comes before a loss 226. Don`t take your family for granted, only their Latinum 227. Loyalty can be bought ... and sold 228. All things come to those who wait, even Latinum 229. Beware the man who doesn`t make time for oo-mox 230. Manipulation may be a Ferengi`s greatest tool, and liability 231. If you steal it, make sure it has a warranty 232. Life`s no fair (How else would you turn a profit?) 233. Every dark cloud has a Latinum lining 234. Never deal with beggars; it`s bad for profits 235. Don`t trust anyone who trusts you 236. You can`t buy fate 237. There`s a sucker born every minute. Be sure you`re the first to find each one 238. The truth will cost 239. Ambition knows no family 240. The higher you bid, the more customers you drive away 241. Never underestimate the inportance of the fist impression 242. More is good, all is better 243. If you got something nice to say, then SHOUT 244. If you can`t sell it, sit on it, but never give it away 245. A warranty is valid only if they can find you 246. He that speaks ill of the wares will buy them 247. Never question luck 248. Celebrate when you are paid, not, when you are promised 249. Respect other culture`s beliefs; they`ll be more likely to give you money 250. A dead vendor doesn`t demand money 251. Satisfaction is not guaranteed 252. Let the buyer beware 253. A contract without fine print is a fool`s document 254. Anyone who can`t tell a fake doesn`t deserve the real thing 255. A warranty without loop-holes is a liability 256. Synthehol is the lubricant of choice for a customer`s stuck purse 257. Only fools negotiate with their own money 258. A Ferengi is only as important as the amount of Latinum he carries in his pockets 259. A lie is a way to tell the truth to someone who doesn`t know 260. Gambling is like the way to power: The only way to win is to cheat, but don`t get caught in the process 261. A wealthy man can afford everything except a conscience 262. No lobes, no profit 263. Never let a female in clothes cloud your sense of profit 264. It`s not the size of your planet, but it`s income, that matters 265. The fear of loss may be your greatest enemy or your best friend - choose wisely 266. A pair of good ears will ring dry a hundred tongues 267. Wish not so much to live Long, as to live well 268. (a) When in doubt, lie (b) When in doubt, buy (c) When in doubt, demand more money (d) When in doubt, shoot them, take their money, run and blame someone else 269. Never purchase anything that has been promised to be valuable or go up in value 270. It`s better to have gambled and lost than to never have gambled at all 271. There`s many witty men whose brains can`t line their pockets 272. The way to a Ferengi`s heart is through his wallet 273. Always count their Latinum before selling anything 274. There is no profit in love; however, a strong heart is worth a few bars of Latinum on the open market. Keep it on ice 275. Latinum can`t buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it 276. If at first you don`t succeed, try to acquire again 277. Diamonds may be girl`s best friend, but you can only buy the girl with Latinum 278. It`s better to swallow your pride than to lose your profit 279. Never close a deal too soon after a female strokes your lobes 280. An empty bag can not stand upright 281. Blood is thicker than water, but harder to sell 282. Business is like war; it`s important to recognize the winner 283. Rules are always subject to change 284. Rules are always subject to interpretation 285. No good deed ever goes unpunished 286. When Morn leaves it is all over

[tropicsteve]

285. No good deed ever goes unpunished - ain`t that the truth.

[JohnZ3MC]

Thanks for the list Gearhead.
I smiled as I read the list and flashed back to Armin Shimerman and smiled even more.

On a related note, I remember one episode where Quark told Rom to clean the Dabo Wheel in the bar with ONR. He told Rom it would clean it up well and impart a nice shine and most importantly of all, it was very inexpensive but worth it`s weight in Latinum.

OK, OK, OK, I`m stretching it a bit.