Ugh... I'm at my wit's end

[nrengle]

How do you guys deal with a lazy girlfriend / wife? IE One that doesn't clean up, leaves a mess everywhere, and does that "I'll do it later" routine? I'm at my wits end with my fiancee. She rather **** around on the internet then clean up her mess, wheather it be dirty dishes, laundry, her cats, whatever. I throw the stuff on the bed, she puts it on the floor, I put her clothes on top of the dryer after she's dried them 3 times instead of folding them, and they'll sit there for a week. I'm over it, and anytime I confront her about it, even in a calm voice she says I'm yelling at her. I don't even raise my voice (to prove a point one day I had a DB meter in the room, stayed the same DB average the whole time). We're getting married in 2 months, and quite honestly I don't think I want to be married to a slob if she keeps this up. What do I do? I'm out of ideas to reason with her. I've even gone so far as to place a sticky note on a newspaper when I left for tour with the date, and it was still there when I got home 2 months later. ***!?!?!?! Yet I'm in the wrong if I tell her that she needs to clean the place up. It's not much to ask to come back to a clean home after 2 months on the road with a bunch of dudes, on a bus with no space is it?

[dave40co]

Dump her, you will end up like Mr. Mom. She will never change.

[ezemsm444]

Originally Posted by nrengle

How do you guys deal with a lazy girlfriend / wife? IE One that doesn't clean up, leaves a mess everywhere, and does that "I'll do it later" routine? I'm at my wits end with my fiancee. She rather **** around on the internet then clean up her mess, wheather it be dirty dishes, laundry, her cats, whatever. I throw the stuff on the bed, she puts it on the floor, I put her clothes on top of the dryer after she's dried them 3 times instead of folding them, and they'll sit there for a week. I'm over it, and anytime I confront her about it, even in a calm voice she says I'm yelling at her. I don't even raise my voice (to prove a point one day I had a DB meter in the room, stayed the same DB average the whole time). We're getting married in 2 months, and quite honestly I don't think I want to be married to a slob if she keeps this up. What do I do? I'm out of ideas to reason with her. I've even gone so far as to place a sticky note on a newspaper when I left for tour with the date, and it was still there when I got home 2 months later. ***!?!?!?! Yet I'm in the wrong if I tell her that she needs to clean the place up. It's not much to ask to come back to a clean home after 2 months on the road with a bunch of dudes, on a bus with no space is it?

When she says your yelling at her, it doesn't mean that you are being loud, it means the tone and the way you are saying it. Try to look at yourself in the mirror the next time you tell her about the problem your having, it might be something you do unintentionally.

Don't get me wrong both of you need to be resposible because a marriage is suppost to be forever. You know exactly what you have to do. It needs to be clear that you both need to work together. That being said, she has to do her part in cleaning up at least after herself. Try to make some sort of agreement that if she does that you will do something in exchange. That way it doesn't seem like you are completely blaming her.

[nrengle]

I've tried all that. Tonight the thing that just pushed it over the top for me is, one of her cats **** in the house. And she was already in bed watching TV, and said "I'll get it in the morning, I'm too tired now!" F THAT! At this point I have a pretty heft gift for her for Xmas and I'm not so sure I want to give it to her now. It's like you want to leave this till morning? WTH are you going to do if you / we ever have kids, leave it till morning? I refuse to clean up after her cats, cause she has quite a few more than I like (7 total, I like cats but damn!).

When I do confront her on it, it's not loud, or mean, it's just a single monotone voice. And it's me trying to keep my cool cause there's days I just want to blow up.

I clean quite a bit myself. I spent two hours the other day, running the sweeper, dusting, moping the floors and cleaning the bathroom. First thing she does, lets all the cats in, which get fur and mud everywhere, and then throws the mail on the floor along with her coat, and left it there. I was livid. I just spent 2 hours cleaning, and that's how you repay me? She wants to remodel the kitchen, and she said she'd finish the painting while I was out on my last tour, (its a 2x3 section under a built in desk that hurts my back to get to). Never finished.... So I'm not doing the remodel now till she straightens things up...

I'm quite honestly afraid that if I go through with this wedding that it's just going to end up in a big nasty divorce anyways.

[Slickery]

No offense, which one of you is the girl? Seriously Bro, grab your sack and dump her. The world is loaded with women. Any problems will be amplified when you get married, so only get married if everything is perfect. Anyhow, I'm married and recently got some time to myself, dam I miss it and I even like my wife. You'll feel bad for a week, a little guilty, and then total RELIEF. There are a lot of real good women out there. I've had two that did all the house work and were smoking hot. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, just ask yourself how long do you want to keep making a mistake with this women? One thing for sure, at least put off the marriage.

I cannot tell you how many of my friends have had similar situations as you and now the women are sitting at home collecting child support. My best friend even fricken moved to her home town, had a kid, got a divorce the same year, and now he cant even move back because he needs to be near his only child. She refuses to work, so he supports her and himself- NO CHOICE. She is a lazy POS, sound familiar? If a women refuses to work that didn't work in the marriage, that's ok, but if a man refuses to work and support the family, he goes to jail. I'm not saying men shouldn't support their children, but this whole support her in the style she has come accustomed with is a damn joke. What about what the man was accustomed with? Because if you end up like my friend, you'll be eating mac and cheese every night while your women is messing with some other dude and living in a mansion. I'm not kidding I have another frined who had to move into a trailer while his women lived in a new two story. How? Easy, she put it on the street and had a new boyfriend and they moved in after a week. My friend had no reduction in child support even they had two incomes, she worked part time. He paid 900 a month in child support, and 600 in spousal support. He made a little over 50k a year, do the math. He lived a trailer for 3 years, that's when the spousal support lapsed, but he has to pay 900 per month for 14 years. his kid was 4 when they divorced. You know what needs to happen, just find the strength and do it. It is quite possible the cost for not doing it can ruin your life. Your future child deserves better then this.

Good luck to you man

[Bigpikle]

what you seem to be describing is a total mismatch in your fundamental values...

The things you value are either much lower in priority to her, or simply not on her radar screen at all. It may also be that from her side you seem like a 'bore' or whatever, as you are not up for doing the things and priorities she has.

I'm no relationship counsellor, but one thing I do know is that when you have a fundamental conflict like this, there is only a few options:

1. change your values to reflect hers - probably huge stress for you
2. stay together as you are and let the stress and conflict grow....
3. call it a day and recognise you are not compatible at a fundamental level...

[BearValley]

Originally Posted by Bigpikle

what you seem to be describing is a total mismatch in your fundamental values...

The things you value are either much lower in priority to her, or simply not on her radar screen at all. It may also be that from her side you seem like a 'bore' or whatever, as you are not up for doing the things and priorities she has.

I'm no relationship counsellor, but one thing I do know is that when you have a fundamental conflict like this, there is only a few options:

1. change your values to reflect hers - probably huge stress for you
2. stay together as you are and let the stress and conflict grow....
3. call it a day and recognise you are not compatible at a fundamental level...

+1, Very well said.

Please consider this very carefully.

.

[Accumulator]

Originally Posted by Bigpikle

what you seem to be describing is a total mismatch in your fundamental values....

Yeah, great response...took the words right out of my mouth

FWIW, there *can* be a matter of degree in this stuff. Accumulatorette simply isn't as tidy/motivated a person as I am, but the difference isn't so great as to be a big deal. But I don't try to change her basic nature or otherwise act like she's not an adult either.

Oh...and in these "we're getting married in x months *BUT* he/she..." cases, I wouldn't even be remotely *considering* marriage

[evolutionwc3]

Walk away- definitely a fundamental value issue that will NOT get better once you're tied into a marriage. I could see if she was squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube or something, but leaving cat #*@ on the floor overnight? Damnnnn....

[wytstang]

"When in doubt, When in fear, DROP A GEAR AND DISAPPEAR"
It will only continue to bring you unneeded stress in times when stress is not needed. Move a long as fast as you can. Me and my wife are not that neat but cat crap being left over night will never happen (nor a spill in the kitchen). Clothes we both leave then in the dryer until on of us needs to use it. But we both do that so no big deal. You two do not seem to make a good long term couple as these little things will never stop. Get out now before she takes your stuff in court that she never earned.

[Tripperfx3]

Originally Posted by wytstang

"When in doubt, When in fear, DROP A GEAR AND DISAPPEAR"

I had to lol at this!

To be honest I had a big discussion with my Ex about this just before she left me. She was doing a lot of the same things your fiancee was doing, well minus the cat crap thing. I would always be the one to take the dishes out of the washer and take the clothes out of the dryer and she would never put her stuff away. She said it was because she wanted me to do it every once and a while for her, but she has her own little closet system and how she wants her stuff put away and I had tried to put her stuff away for her and she got upset because I did it wrong and she couldn't find the clothes she wanted.

Like I said she left me at the beginning of the month (made a thread about it here) and she actually left me for a guy shes known for 3 weeks and a guy that was supposed to be my friend. Her and I have recently started to be civil towards each other and she's more confused and unhappy with her current situation and about what she wants now because shes starting to think that maybe the little stuff that we used to fight about (like laundry) wasn't really worth ending the relationship for (her and I were together for almost 5 years too). Maybe a trial separation would work. Just don't talk to her or see her for a month and see how things go. To be honest I don't believe that a man and woman can't be compatible or work out as long as you love each other. It's a matter of being able to compromise on issues. Maybe the trial separation will make her realize what's really important and that it's not worth losing a great relationship over something small like that. I know that's what happening with my ex right now. Everyone can see she's not happy just by looking at her. The only thing is I probably won't be taking her back anytime soon if it comes to that. Ya'll still may have a chance though.

What I do agree with everyone on though is that you should get these issues resolved before the wedding, even if that means pushing the date back. I refused to even get engaged to my ex before we could even work out our issues.

[P1et]

Fact of the matter is, you cannot change someone. And if you think you did, it's temporary. They'll be the same again in a few months and you'll be stuck with it.

My advice: don't marry anyone unless you think they are perfect in every way.