Ugh... I'm at my wit's end - Page 2

longdx · 12-25-08, 01:51

To echo earlier posts, this behavior is symbolic of fundamental differences in attitutes between you and your fiance. The problem lies in that this will manifest into more arguments/stress that WILL ruin your relationship, if it hasn't already. Marriage will not change this, and your patience level will ebb. As a a self professed clean freak, my wife and I have an understanding over how the house/cars/ etc should be. Marriage is a compromise of sorts, but basic personality traits will not change.

defeated · 12-25-08, 02:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by evolutionwc3

Walk away- definitely a fundamental value issue that will NOT get better once you're tied into a marriage. I could see if she was squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube or something, but leaving cat #*@ on the floor overnight? Damnnnn....

X-eleventybillion....I'm a pretty lazy cluttered type person, too, but that's just bad. I've had my share of animals that haven't figured out the housebreaking thing, too, but it literally only takes a minute to clean it up. Leaving the mess alone just prolongs the housebreaking experience, too, cuz the cat's not going to figure it out otherwise.

But aside from that, even, I really don't think I could every completely change enough for a neater type, so if you can't deal with this or -figure out a work around-, this really might be a deal breaker.

nrengle · 12-25-08, 03:12

Besides the cleanliness thing, things are pretty good. But that's the big issue right now... We're moving soon anyways (live with her dad till the wedding), and then the apartment we looked at has a no pet clause. And well I'll be sad to see the little buggers go, cause each is unique and I can stand one or two at a time. I had a little jump of joy when I read that... The cats are staying on her dads farm. I just don't know anymore.... And leaving someone that I've been with for 5 years would be a hard decision to make.

FlowRate · 12-25-08, 03:33

I have to ask: how did you not find out how horribly lazy she was until just now?

Either way, I would never be able to stand trying to "live with" something that will conflict constantly throughout the marriage.

This just makes me think that it's a great idea to try living with a woman before marrying her regardless of what parents/whatever would think, because it sounds like you just recently started living together and found out how horrible you two match in terms of domestic situations.

themightytimmah · 12-25-08, 06:56

You're going to end up buying someone you hate a house if you keep going down this road...

I had a girl like that, real fundamental mismatch in values. I thought I would be crushed after I left her but it was actually real nice to live my way.

Tripperfx3 · 12-25-08, 11:47

Quote:

Originally Posted by nrengle

Besides the cleanliness thing, things are pretty good. But that's the big issue right now... We're moving soon anyways (live with her dad till the wedding), and then the apartment we looked at has a no pet clause. And well I'll be sad to see the little buggers go, cause each is unique and I can stand one or two at a time. I had a little jump of joy when I read that... The cats are staying on her dads farm. I just don't know anymore.... And leaving someone that I've been with for 5 years would be a hard decision to make.

My ex had no problem leaving me after almost 5 years... The laundry thing was just one of my pet peeves and I'm not saying I did anything wrong in the relationship and neither did she, but she loves to go clubbing and I'd rather be chilling at a bar or a friends house. The point being if I really knew things were as bad as they were I could have just taken her to a club every now and then and she would have been happy and we'd probably still be together, no I'm not kidding either. This is one of the "fundamental" differences between her and I that led to our end. Basically it's an example of what everyone is saying. It's a compromise and it seems your the one doing all the compromising and she's not pitching in. So you can either suck it up and hope she sees the light as I truly did the day before she left me or leave her.

Also, like someone asked has she always been this lazy or has it just happened recently? It may be a sign that she's not as happy as you think.

Also I have to agree with Timmah. What I'm going through is hard as hell, but being single and living on my own I'm seeing what all I was missing out on. Hell, racing, cars and Capoeira are my true passions and I basically had to give up racing and cars because she didn't want me to spend any money on that stuff until I got her an engagement ring and I sure as hell wasn't going to get engaged just so I could buy parts for my car or start doing autox. I think it really just made me resent her a bit. I still love her with all my heart and it's going to be a tough couple of weeks, but I know i'll be better in the end and so will she.

Devilsown · 12-26-08, 12:07

Quote:

Originally Posted by nrengle

How do you guys deal with a lazy girlfriend / wife? IE One that doesn't clean up, leaves a mess everywhere, and does that "I'll do it later" routine? I'm at my wits end with my fiancee. She rather **** around on the internet then clean up her mess, wheather it be dirty dishes, laundry, her cats, whatever. I throw the stuff on the bed, she puts it on the floor, I put her clothes on top of the dryer after she's dried them 3 times instead of folding them, and they'll sit there for a week. I'm over it, and anytime I confront her about it, even in a calm voice she says I'm yelling at her. I don't even raise my voice (to prove a point one day I had a DB meter in the room, stayed the same DB average the whole time). We're getting married in 2 months, and quite honestly I don't think I want to be married to a slob if she keeps this up. What do I do? I'm out of ideas to reason with her. I've even gone so far as to place a sticky note on a newspaper when I left for tour with the date, and it was still there when I got home 2 months later. ***!?!?!?! Yet I'm in the wrong if I tell her that she needs to clean the place up. It's not much to ask to come back to a clean home after 2 months on the road with a bunch of dudes, on a bus with no space is it?

Im in the same boat... execpt she made the change after we got married... Im sure she says the same about me though, It seems Im always sweeping the SHES AWAKE got to go!

Up To Eleven · 12-26-08, 12:46

1) Cut her loose and move on
2) Delay the marriage and get into counseling for couples

Since you're not married and don't have children, I vote for option 1.

nrengle · 12-26-08, 10:17

Well I've lived with her for a year almost, but in that year I've only been home about 6 weeks. I work in the music industry, so my home is a plane, hotel, and tour bus about 10 months out of the year. So I'm never home for one. She's always been a bit messy, but this time being home has been the worst for some reason. I dreaded even coming home cause her sister gave me a heads up how bad the place was when she stopped by one day.

longdx · 12-26-08, 02:04

@nrengle: I do not mean to be rude. I do not know you or your fiance. However, that being said, are you really sure you want a long term relationship with this girl. There seems to be an great divide in personality types between you two. I am not saying she is a bad person, but there must be an underlying reason why she is apathetic about general cleanliness. This also bleeds into how she feels about the relationship. She is unwilling to change. This stance will not change. I cannot stress that enough.

ramtough · 12-26-08, 05:55

Dude you either love her or you don't.One way or the other your decision. My wife and me are from the opposite side of the railroad she got dispossed because of me and we don't always see eye to eye.Her family has money when parents passed left everything to her sister and were talking a couple mil. Her mother and father never met there granddaughter and she was 9or 10 when they died. Now thats love.Don't let little things bother you.

BigAl3 · 12-26-08, 06:05

look at both the positives and negatives (hopefully, the positives outweigh the other). i'm sure there are things that you love about her and things you don't, and some things unfortunately may not change (there's going to be little things that bug all of us in the other person sometimes). look at it this way, it is worth it for you to stay with her in the long run?