Divorce and how to get through it

[-Longhorn-]

I will just test the waters with this one. I was married for a very short time after dating for a very long time. My soon to be ex-wife is much younger than me. Most would refer to her as the "trophy wife." My brother tells me trophy's are nice but require far to much polishing.

What helped you get through your divorce?

What helped you get through the thoughts of wanting to make her hurt in the way she did you? (This question would apply to long term splits of same sex relationships if that is you. I'm not going to discriminate due to your sexual preference.)

How did you get over her?

How long before you felt that you were ready to move on?

Any real life advice, not crap you read in self help books, would be a nice discussion starter.

[Eliot Ness]

Originally Posted by -Longhorn-

.........What helped you get through your divorce?.....

The best thing I did was attend a local divorce recovery workshop. It isn't just the misery loves company thing but you develop skills to handle the emotions you're having to deal with. I also had the support of a lot of friends, and one from out-of-state would call almost daily to make sure I was OK. And in the beginning I wasn't OK......... I looked OK on the outside but inside I was an emotional wreck.

What helped you get through the thoughts of wanting to make her hurt in the way she did you?

Surprisingly I don't recall having any strong feelings like that. We had two kids and realized it would only hurt them to do anything stupid so we pretty much handled things in a very civil manner.

How did you get over her?

It takes time. Once I was served the divorce papers I quit devoting any energy to restoring the relationship and focused on my kids, work, cars, and trying to remain sane.

How long before you felt that you were ready to move on?

It only took a few months for me to pretty much accept/get over it and move forward, but it was very difficult for a while in the beginning.

One thing to remember is that it can be easier to loose a spouse through death than it can through divorce. Through divorce you're still loosing the spouse, but there are a ton of other issues to deal with such as were/are they seeing someone else, why are they leaving (have you failed in some way), property settlements, etc..

The person leaving has had a lot of time to plan this out, but the person being left is often times hit with it cold and has to deal with a lot of issues all at once. It isn't easy and I would rate it as the most difficult thing I ever had to deal with. As I mentioned earlier look in your local paper or ask around and get involved in a divorce recovery workshop or support group. No need to wait until the divorce is final, the sooner you start the easier it will be to handle all the emotions you'll be dealing with.

[BigAl3]

hey Longhorn... i can't offer any opinions/help on this, but i hope you get through it okay...

[holland_patrick]

Originally Posted by -Longhorn-

I will just test the waters with this one. I was married for a very short time after dating for a very long time. My soon to be ex-wife is much younger than me. Most would refer to her as the "trophy wife." My brother tells me trophy's are nice but require far to much polishing.

What helped you get through your divorce?

What helped you get through the thoughts of wanting to make her hurt in the way she did you? (This question would apply to long term splits of same sex relationships if that is you. I'm not going to discriminate due to your sexual preference.)

How did you get over her?

How long before you felt that you were ready to move on?

Any real life advice, not crap you read in self help books, would be a nice discussion starter.

What helped me the most was focusing on my daughter and trying to make my slef happy. Everything was about her for the 5 years we were married.. SO it was nice to think about me..

Oh I still want to hurt her... but I know i can't. Just remeber if you do anything it will come back to get you(trust me she has been paid back by karma)

Focusing on my myself..I took a trip to africa for 3 weeks did my first triathlon...


I start on match a year out and then had a lot of misses.... Now i'm happy with a good girl and .. well... I hear it's better the second time around I'll tell you in a year or so..

[Scottwax]

You know what helped me through my divorce? The fact I was so much better off without my ex. The 100 pound weight gain (no kidding) was bad enough but the bounced checks, out of control spending, habitual lying and getting fired from 4 jobs for "mis-handling of company funds" were even worse. One of my brothers had it worse, his wife was a cheating 'ho and gave him a couple STDs, along with putting the money for his quarterly taxes into her own account and getting him in trouble with the IRS. On the other hand, my other brother has a great wife and my sister's husband treats her like a queen so it isn't all bad. Plus my parents will be married 50 years in the year 2010.

I was glad to split from my ex, but we also had the issue of kids to deal with and that wasn't so easy even though I got custody and she moved out of state. Hard to be without my kids all summer and later when they moved to their mom's house in Kentucky (neither wanted to go to high school here after 1 year at the junior high) it was even rougher not seeing them for 10 months. It was nice having them work for me in the summer though.

I wouldn't look to getting into a serious relationship right away. Just go out with your friends and have fun. You meet someone, great. If not, don't worry. Right now, just concentrate on having a good time without a significant other. You won't make someone else happy in the future if you can't be happy on your own.

[Stephenwz968]

I have been focusing on work and trying hard to do things to rebuild my self confidence. Working out, hanging with my friends and focusing on the things that really made ME happy before I got married have been my way of staying sane and trying to recover. My soon to be ex moved out in July and the paperwork was filed in October, so I'm pretty fresh into this, and I don't think I'll be recovered for a while....but I do think it's getting easier.

Longhorn, good luck man.

Steve

[TheGandyman]

I know it might not be Very helpful coming from an 18 year old punk kid like myself but the breakups in important relationships i've had have been kinda rough, the worst part for me with any breakup was looking around at my surroundings and having these memories of when I was happy, but the best thing is to keep busy, then you dont get pre-occupied with the memories and such. I hope everything works out Okay for you sir, you've always got your friends here to talk to

[pharmboyrx]

Going through a divorce right now. The hardest part is holding my anger (she cheated on me, twice) until it is over with. Right now we may be able to do a simple uncontested dissolution. We've agreed who gets what. We just have to work out the details. If I start being "unreasonable" it will only increase the expense. We're keeping lawyers out of it and I don't want anything to go to decision as I will end up paying alimony.

It's going to suck either way. I'd rather have it be cheap and sucky than expensive and sucky.