important bulletin from the UK

[charliecroker]

"Brits Revoke U.S. Independence"

(Message from John Cleese)

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen

Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels (look up "vocabulary").

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.

There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be
a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be
called "Comeuppance Day."

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Only adults should
handle guns. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour. The Former USA will adopt UK
prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US
gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless
stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.

Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer,"
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to
as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside
of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.


John Cleese

[Shiny Lil Detlr]

..........

[LightngSVT]

Eh... kinda funny. But given the nitwits we elect into office I can see why the rest of the world would have this view about us as a nation.

[182_blue]

Originally Posted by Shiny Lil Detlr

..........

lol, i dont think that will bother him

[roadwarriorUK]

Originally Posted by Shiny Lil Detlr

..........

Why???

Is humour not allowed in the land of "free speech"

[Mr. Glass]

Well if you Brits would like to try and take us by force... by all means come on over.

Remember there are six guns for each person in this country.

[Johnnyopolis]

Originally Posted by Mr. Glass

Well if you Brits would like to try and take us by force... by all means come on over.

Remember there are six guns for each person in this country.

Why do you need that many when you only have 2 hands?

[Shiny Lil Detlr]

Originally Posted by roadwarriorUK

Why???

Is humour not allowed in the land of "free speech"

Actually that reaction would be from the customs agent reading your application to visit this country.

[Shiny Lil Detlr]

Originally Posted by Johnnyopolis

Why do you need that many when you only have 2 hands?

Wow you brits are naiive.... you're forgetting that we teach our pets to shoot!

[TortoiseAWD]

Originally Posted by charliecroker

"Brits Revoke U.S. Independence"

(Message from John Cleese)

FALSE

Please take the time to check these things on Snopes before forwarding them around the net. It might be good for a chuckle, but John Cleese did not write that.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

Tort

[TortoiseAWD]

Originally Posted by roadwarriorUK

Why???

Is humour not allowed in the land of "free speech"

Yes, it certainly is (at least if you leave out the extraneous "u" ).

However, Autopia does have a policy limiting political discussions and inflammatory posts simply to prevent the inevitable flame wars that tend to result. People start taking pot-shots at one another, and the next thing you know, it looks like Usenet instead of a detailing forum.

So, have a laugh; feel free. But if this thread starts to deteriorate (personal attacks, etc.) . . .

Thanks,
Tort
(moderator)

[182_blue]

Originally Posted by Mr. Glass

Well if you Brits would like to try and take us by force... by all means come on over.

Remember there are six guns for each person in this country.

shoot first ask questions later