My friendly rebuttal to our dime store British elite friends accross the pond!
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
When Europe whines about the leaders we elect, I know we're doing someting right. Yes, Britain, you're European except the section whose a$$ we saved rather than the section whose a$$ we kicked in WW2. Go revoke some other's country's independence that you once colonized, pillaged and then lost.
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
The state of your so called royal monarchy makes the Clinton Lewinsky affair look like pre-school crush. We fought a revolution to shed ourselves of such a medeival institution.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels (look up "vocabulary").
You'll first need to learn how to say "vitamin" and "tomato" like a normal human being. Then you'll have to shed that pansy accent that makes you sound as manly as Camilla Parker Bowles
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
There certainly is such ting as US English; and we have million of people dying to come here illegally and legally every year to learn it and live it. Isn't Microsft an AMERICAN corporation whose anual revenues dwarf 3/4 of the world's nations net worth!
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be
a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be
called "Comeuppance Day."
Ha ha! Good one! Yeah right.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Only adults should
handle guns. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
You claim Bush is incompetent, yet his desire to issue some measure of tort reform is met with defiance by his opposition. We'll stop seing therapists when Brits go to the dentist and deal with those god awful teeth. Don't ban guns, get them out of the hands of the criminals who buy them illegally.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour. The Former USA will adopt UK
prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US
gallon. Get used to it.
Metric my a$$! Go drive your pathetic 19hp econo box Le Cars and we'll stick with our Corvettes, Mustangs, Trans Ams, Cadillacs, trucks and SUV's. Wait! Doesn't Ford own Jaguar, Aston Martin AND Land Rover??!! Not to mention Mazda and Volvo! Yeah $6 a GALLON gas?? You don't need to be an economist to know what that would mean.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless
stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
British food sucks, always sucked and will continue to suck. Hands down, end of discussion, good night.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer,"
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to
as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
When you're in college with no money, that "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine" tastes quite good and does the job you intended it to do! Samuel Adams beer, named after our great Founding Father who coincidentally fought against British tyranny, has done rather well in the world community of beer. http://www.samueladams.com/news_awards.aspx
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
Please, we had to endure Ewan McGregor trying to sound American portraying one of our nation's heros as an Army Ranger in Black Hawk Down. Or is he Scottish? No big deal, you're all the same anyway or at least you both sound funny.
You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies).
Yeah, American football players are nancies! Say that to their face! Maybe we can emulate your hooligan, sub-human SOCCER fans. I watched a horrific report on a sports show on television regarding spectators. You can read about it in a simple Google search http://www.google.com/search?sourcei...ll+fans+racist
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside
of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
What about Canada? Toronto Blue Jays? Not played outside America? Hello, ever heard of Japan and the ENTIRE Latin American world? You play Cricket. How gay is that?!
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
Ask Oliver Stone!
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
Ha ha, given your pan-euro economy, you'll need it!
Thank you for your co-operation.
You're very welcome......mate! 
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